It is impossible to be liked by everyone. In fact, if everybody likes you – it is more likely that you are doing something wrong. Being hated or disliked is an unavoidable part of life and if you live doing what you believe in – there is even a greater chance that someone will not like it. You will be challenging their believes, evoke jealousy or create a number of other circumstances which will lead some people to a strong sense of dislike or hatred towards you.
Being hated is actually not the issue. The real issue is that we were never taught how to deal with it.
As a public figure who has exposed a big part of his personal life on a massive scale (YouTube) and questioned the belief of others – I had to deal with a fair share of criticism, dislike and pure on hatred. Sometimes I dealt with it in the right way, other times I slipped and failed to respond properly, but as a result I learned many lessons which eventually turned into a practice of how I deal with haters.
In this blog post I will share with you all the best tools that I learned, discovered and effectively practice daily while dealing with criticism, personal attacks and hatred in order to give you tools, that when you will be living as yourself and face these type of negative forms of pressure from others – you will be able to overcome it.
Defining A Hater
A common mistake we do in many situations – we try to find a solution to a problem we did not define. It is my experience, that defining a problem most of the times become half of the solution. The better we understand and pin point what exactly we are dealing with – the more clear the solution becomes. Thus before we head into solutions, I want to define – what a hater is.
We all need feedback. Hearing a reflection of our actions and decisions – positive or negative – is one of the main bases for our development. It would be a big mistake to avoid listening to criticism entirely since that would significantly inhibit our development. Yet potential feedback becomes a problem when it is offered without consideration, rationale or when it is driven primarily by a negative emotion, instead of a desire to offer something of value. Because of this a person who is expressing his negative emotions (aka. hatred) instead of offering true feedback – is rightfully described as a “hater”.
Understanding that a hater is basically a person who is throwing his negative emotions at you, instead of providing feedback, is actually one of the essential parts of the solution. The other part is using direct methods to defuse any negative impact that such a person may have, with the first one being – to consider who is actually offering his or her negative opinions and what qualification that person has to do it.
1# Consider Who Is Hating You
It is natural for us to perceive the world based on our own understanding. We expect other people to think and make decisions in a similar way to our own. To put it more simply – if you are a rational person, you will naturally expect others to think and act in the same way. Turns out – doing this with haters is one of the biggest mistakes I used to make when dealing with them.
A big part of my YouTube career I spent questioning martial arts. I based my opinion on having spent more than 15 years actively practicing and teaching them. Because of this, when I would read a comment arguing against my opinion – I would expect and imagine the person on the other side of the screen to be a sane, at least moderately experienced in the field individual. Truth is – more often than not, a person who takes the time to say or write an emotion driven, negative comment – is usually someone who has very little or limited experience in the field of subject or/and quite often – an emotionally unstable individual.
The reason this realization is so important, is because if we think that the person who is offering us negative feedback is a knowledgeable or emotionally balanced individual – it forces our subconscious to consider the validity of his argument, which in turn, if we disagree with it – starts a process of us wanting to explain our side of the argument or to say it even more simply – it evokes the desire to prove that person wrong.
The beauty of it – if you really understand that the person who offered you a hating comment (negative “feedback”) most likely has no qualification to offer it or lacks emotional stability to rationally judge the situation – our mind naturally puts less emphasis on this opinion and skims through it much more easily -without hanging on to it emotionally, without getting into an endless argument or absorbing negativity.
I’ll give you an example – imagine a three year old child tells you that you don’t understand your profession. If you would become emotionally effected by his comment, that means you are not a very mature or emotionally stable individual and you have a lot of work to do with yourself. But if you are a regular, emotionally balances individual – is clear to you that the three year old child doesn’t really understand what he is talking about and as a result you won’t take his negative comment to heart and won’t spend much time arguing with him.
Unfortunately we sometimes lack the maturity and perceptiveness to do the same with certain adults (or kids pretending to be adults online). As said before – it is natural to expect others to be like us, thus it takes more effort, especially online (but not exclusively), to question the validity of the person who is writing/telling you his negative comment. But consideringthe qualification and emotional stability to make rational comments of potential haters – can work wonders, as this way we are much less effected emotionally and it allows to move on to more important matters without getting stuck.
While this information and method can already dramatically change how you deal with haters, there are more tools that I use to deal with this sometimes emotionally disbalancing phenomenon which I will later share in the second part of the article.
Until then, let me know in the comments section bellow what you found useful in this article. Maybe you already employed these tools and have a story to share? What methods do you personally use to deal with haters?
Looking forward to hear from you.